Another chapter in my book of life is either beginning, or ending. I began this “blog” as a journal……and the drama, trauma, dreams and love continue to write out my journey in this body.
I am aging fast. I am pale. Dark circles under my eyes. I am sad at who I see in the reflection of the mirror. Or is this person in the reflection a result of debilitating pain that does not stop?
OR am I? I have suffered CHRONIC back pain for several years. I cannot believe that I have let it go this long. In the past I have tried searching for answers, and that was a futile attempt. Add to that I am stubborn, and medicine has failed me in the past.
The pain is in my upper (thoracic) back, on one side only, and is wrapping around to the front torso of my body. The pain has become so severe that I am bed bound most of the time. Sitting, standing, any activity crushes me with such pain that I simply cannot live the half-a-life that I had before. I have lost sensation in my back. I am losing muscle mass and strength in my arm, coordination in my wrist. I began to wonder if I had pancreatitis, or gallstones, or something that was causing piercing mind bending pain as the back pain has made its way to my torso. Desperate, I finally made an appointment with a provider.
I just wanted the pain to stop. I could not wait to see this doctor, hoping he could help. Sadly, he looked up at me, while I was sitting awkwardly on the table, unable to rid myself of the pain. He said he had a few patients with these presenting symptoms, and he stopped mid sentence…looked me in the eye, and looked down. It was disheartening as I heard the words I have heard so many times before. He continued, “the presenting symptoms, location of the vertebrates, nerve root compression and resulting chronic pain are not curable or treatable. It’s rare to have spinal compression in this part of the thoracic spine, and there is not a doctor that will do such a surgery. He added he would not even consider a nerve block, and due to the CVID/PI I cannot have the steroid shots.”
At the moment, I cannot confirm diagnosis until further tests are completed. I will have a very long MRI tomorrow, and will attempt aquatic physical therapy.
That’s a problem, I cannot get in a public pool of water, or the skin conditions I have return. Of which I am still fighting open wounds on my fingers. What is the better of the two evils? I cannot take this pain another day, I will try the aquatic therapy and pray the pain lessons. Until then, I am not current on my IGg due to insurance and specialty pharmacy changes. I’m putting myself at more risk of infection in this pool.
I try not to let those close to me know how horribly I hurt. How I haven’t been able to stand-up to do dishes, cook a meal, laundry, even getting up to get dressed hurts. I cannot continue to live in this amount of pain, bed ridden all the time. Its not fair to my family. The deterioration of my health, and my ill appearance. I wonder, how much does this rapid deterioration have to do with being in chronic pain all the time, and getting worse, hourly?
Hope I will be able to give an update of a confirmed diagnosis, and prayerfully a treatment. Another chapter beginning or ending? That is the question.
What Would You Do?